I was going to write this one about art but then I realised I would have to actually put effort into it so I went for the jackets instead. It’s okay for me, but if you start choosing clothing over work you’re going to get in debt. Remember that.
Anyway, here we go again. Fall clothing designs, this time the Rugby range from Ralph Lauren, and I don’t…I mean, well who is this article even aimed at? Editor? Can people who read our free magazine actually afford Ralph Lauren? Can anybody afford Ralph Lauren? Well, whatever.
I was going to be all objective about this and take it seriously this time but then I saw the price tags and thought, “Ahaha…fashion.”
Oh? You can’t afford a hundred dollars for a sweater? Neither can I.
Listed under their ‘Fall Must Haves’ are four-hundred different kinds of jacket, meaning either they’re doing it wrong or something important happened while I was sleeping. And oh, look! We’re going British country chic this time! Fall colours and fabrics? No? Just…just farming then. Okay. I get it. It’s because our farmers are trapped in a miserable haze of perpetual Autumn.
These are the kind of casual-yet-dressy outfits you’d pick if you lived in a weekend-away brochure. It has the design, fit and style of country living at only three times the price. For the people who will spend a hundred dollars on a rugby shirt, I’m going to let you in on something: there is more to country life than leaning on stiles and gazing over yonder ruddy fields.
I know, I know…you’re staring at this $300 alpaca wool vest and envisioning a weekend cottage getaway in Yorkshire, strolling down pebble pathways with your significant other, wearing matching flat-caps, eating crusty bread. You might even see a real horse too! From across the field! You sure as hell won’t be riding one in $178 pants. Throw away that kind of money on a pair of pants and you won’t be doing anything this Autumn, including leaving your own house or visiting the back garden. Autumn is the season of sludge, rain, wet leaves and hidden poodle doodles. It’s just not practical.
Take a look at the ‘repaired’ slim boyfriend jean. Now, I’m not exactly sure what this name implies. Distressed, perhaps…repaired? That makes no sense to me. Either way, for $148 they will screw up your jeans for you. Fantastic. You must be the most lazy person in the world that you can’t ruin your own jeans by yourself.
This collection amazes me. I don’t really understand why anyone would pay so much money to look like they just woke up and threw something on when you can get that same look for pocket change. Hell, I look like that every day and I haven’t bought new clothes in months. I suppose a lot of people do say that a name-brand purchase always means good quality, but at $400 for a ruffled dress they’d better be lacing it with bloody adamantium.
Okay – formal wear, I get that. If you’ve got somewhere fancy to be then by all means, purchase those expensive outfits that you feel you need. That nice suit for a function, an elegant dress for a dinner or a tailored suit for a business meeting. I suppose that at least several times in your life you’re going to need clothing you didn’t pull out of a bin bag, that’s fine. But why would you spend so much money on casual clothes? You know what’s even more stylish than this $300 herringbone jacket? Not being a total tool with your money.
You either have somewhere important to go and you need something nice to wear or you’re just hanging around and you want something casual – and then there’s no need to dress-down and price-up, especially not when there are so many cheaper alternatives available.
Every time we go through this I suggest the cheaper alternatives. Thrift stores and low brands are just as adequate for everyday items. Yes, I get that they’re not going to last you the next five years but if you’re so keyed in to what you’re wearing that you need an entirely new wardrobe because the season changed, then regardless of the amount of money you drop on it, you’re going to be purchasing something new when next year rolls around anyway. What’s that? Hipsters have overrun your local charity shops? That’s okay! Supermarket brands are just as good with most collections based on the same base designs anyway. I know George at Asda, named Best Supermarket Fashion Range at the Prima High Street Fashion Awards, is currently testing the waters over in your heathen country and with any luck they’ll soon release their brand all over the states.
Until then, why not try something else? Like H&M:
H&M Autumn collection jeans ($19.95). Wear them round the house, to the pub, to the park, wherever. At that price it doesn’t even matter. Wear them anywhere and eventually, one day, just one day…you will wear them out by yourself. And it will be so much more rewarding.
$108 / $14.95
$248 / $17.95
$598 / $34.95
$178 / $49.95
I have never regretted not being able to swear in these articles more than today.