Things to put on your body – Christmas edition
So I’ve been moved permanently to fashion? When I mentioned this to a friend they started laughing at me. The jokes on them though, because yesterday I actually ironed my shirt before putting it on so I’m clearly one with this industry now.
I was going to write this article about how it’s November and we all need to start doing your Christmas shopping now or else your family will burst into flames. I was also going to use SARCASM until I looked at my calendar and realised it is November the 21st as I write this. November 21st. It’s time to panic.
I had already bought most of my Christmas gifts for this year well ahead of time and was sitting on my laurels smugly, but unfortunately the recipient then found and opened them so I’m sort of back where I started. Still, it’s not so bad. I don’t have to worry about a lot of things this December, mostly because I am selfish and have no intention of seeing anyone apart from my mother. I’m sure that you guys will be poncing out to whatever horrendous party you’re inevitably going to be invited to though, and if you’re going to be out in public this December then you’re going to need some fancy new threads. If you’re going to spend the next month being constantly pestered by people you probably don’t even like that much, you might as well look nice doing it.
Yes, yes. I can see it now. Elegant party people sauntering round tasteful loft apartments, exchanging delightful noel fafferies and gift bags full of foot lotion. Ah, stuffing puffed pastries into your mouths with all the abandon of a carefully scripted supermarket advert. Delightful. Christmas is the time of year everyone pretends they’re not poor and blue-collared. If you don’t want to be caught out on the ruse then you’re going to need something nice to wear for that.
In fact you should probably have two. Like sand, ferrero rocher gets everywhere. You’re going to get chocolate on at least one of them. I may not know a lot about what’s appropriate to wear for myself, but I’m sure good at judging other people. I’ve picked out some of my Christmas favourites for your enjoyment. If you’re tired of resorting to the LBD every time you’re threatened with dressing up then try one of these fluttery outfits instead.
These black and white pieces are more approachable than the little black dress, plus look how happy and nonchalant those models are! My favourite is the JS Collection spaghetti strap on the left but sadly, was blessed with a cup size unbefitting of such a neckline. Those with a rack will do better with the Nine West scalloped hem, lest they get marauded by drunk Uncle Peter. Pair with a leg wax and some nice earrings. Both currently on sale at Macy’s.
Little Red Dress. Just as classic but with a more festive feel to it. The sleeveless sheath on the left has a beautiful pleated ray on the waist and can be accentuated with as many accessories as you can carry without falling over. The satin cocktail dress on the right will make you feel like a starlet and has the added joy of coming in both blue and green as well as red, all of which look fabulous. Satin rocks. Both by Calvin Klein.
This Suzi Chin chiffon empire dress comes in chocolate or uh…tomato. Nothing witty here, that is just a gorgeous dress. Has the benefit of being all fluttery as hell while accentuating a larger figure. Oh yeah, that would look fantastic on a bigger chick, mmm ye–ahem! The Evan Picone marilyn cocktail dress comes in a variety of colours too but I think the green would be perfect for Christmas events. It’s currently on sale. Both available at Macy’s.
If you’re feeling particularly daring, why not wear this pristine white Suzi Chin dress into a room full of drunk people holding food? Or if you want a piece you can wear to more than one place try the black Ellen Tracy belted piece which has the added bonus of making you look kind of like a spy. Both currently on sale at Macy’s.
Last night I had a dream that I was wearing a necklace made out of tinsel and it delighted the hell out of me. After a quick totter around the internet I’d like to introduce you to the chintziest piece of junk ever, the ‘Brilliant A-Ray necklace’ from Pam Hiran. It’s like staring into the sun and it will make you look fabulous.
Apparently the pewter look is back in style now too. The hoops on the right are called ‘boyfriend earrings’ and I have no idea what that means. I’ve heard of the boyfriend sweater and the boyfriend jeans among other things, all fabulous for desperate women or girls who want to date…well, girls. I’m just having a hard time understanding what ‘boyfriend earrings’ are supposed to be. Still, they look nice.
Ooh, look! A bag and a watch. It’s Christmas so you clearly need a bag and a watch because you probably don’t already have these and you don’t use your phone to tell the time and I’m tired of writing this now. Sod it. I’m going back to Skyrim.